Beginning of a Journey...

Something happened to me about 8 months ago. This event prompted a new life journey for me. What a story it would have been if I had started writing this the day It began. I'll fill you in a little minus specific details and we'll go from there.

Well, even before this event happened my faith was like walking a tight rope. I couldn't quite get a hold of it and stay where I wanted to be. When this event happened to me I felt like I fell right off the rope. Who knows how far down it would be? I began to question everything I knew to be true. I thought I had put my trust in God, but my trust wasn't in anything anymore. It was at this time in my life when I felt like the world was moving without me.

And it really was. I sort of stopped living.

Each day I get one more day behind. I am stopped, stuck. I question everything, everyone, even God. I get angry with everything, everyone, even God. I even yell at him! I pull away from everything, everyone, even God. I defiantly don't want to talk to anyone, even God. So I just yell at Him. In fact that's who I pull away from the most. The one who my faith held so tightly to for most of my life! He is in charge of it all right? I fight to figure out what in the world is going on. What is faith? Who is God? What's His plan, His love, His purpose for me, life in general, what the crap I'm doing here? It is not comfortable or easy. In fact it is miserable and I dread waking up and living each day sometimes. In these moments I am able to be completely honest with myself and God. I'm at the lowest low and so transparent. You can't help but be transparent when you're that low. There's no where to hide from yourself. At least when it comes to myself and God. (others are easy to hide from, even the closest of friends) I fight against Him, shout at Him, try to reason, I'm close minded, angry and sad, even depressed. I rebel in my hearts as hard as I can, though others may not even notice a difference in me. I fight and struggle so hard until I'm exhausted, but still I pull away. I try to pray and talk to God, but I feel like He stopped listening awhile ago. I know he didn't but I can't hear Him if He is talking back to me. And that frustrates me even more! I mean He's the one who knows the plan and future of my life, right? He created it, right?

This is my constant struggle. And bless the friends who love me, pray for me, and give me advice. But I know that freedom is not going to come from the words of others, but from realizing it on my own, from God. And even during the worst days I hold on to this...

...that in one moment God will knock me off my feet and I'll see Him in His mighty strength and will never the same. God may pull His presence away so I can realize for myself just how much I need and depend on Him. I can get mad and angry and question Him because He knows it is going to show me the power of His patience and grace. It will bring the freedom that I don't have to pretend to have it all figured out.

That's why I started writing this. A dear friend shared a similar experience with me and it gave me comfort. I know when that amazing moment comes as it did with her, God will be glorified in His amazing power and majesty and I want to be able to share that. And remind myself of where I came from.

Until then....
I am just fighting so hard to even know Him....and me.

And I think that's okay for now.

Why masquerade?

You know sometimes when you get that awkward question to describe yourself or your life in one word? It always changes as we grow and learn and change ourselves. Well if you asked me today and at this time in my life this would be my answer...masquerade.

"Masquerade!
Paper faces on parade . . .
Masquerade!
Hide your face,
so the world will
never find you!
Masquerade!"