Confessions of a selfish heart

I spent a long time with Jesus today just reading and realized that even though I thought that keeping my distance was best so that I wouldn’t seem cold towards you, I ended up doing that anyway. I failed to serve and be a true friend the way Jesus desires. Several verses stood out to me which describe the way I truly desire to live but have failed and therefore failed you as my friend and sister in Christ: “Love must be sincere, Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” ~Romans 12:9-12 “Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.” ~ 1 Cor. 10:24

I have not loved sincerely or honored you above myself. Though I feel like I am very patient in my own affliction, I didn’t see just how much it affected you. However, along with realizing this, I do rejoice because the Lord always knows the best way to teach and rebuke me. I do not like it nor do I deal with it appropriately all the time. But I would be lying if I were not thankful for all of the times in my life God chooses to use things like this to teach me. “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” ~Romans 5:3-5

So, as much as I am sorry for the way I handled this and hurt you I am grateful that the Lord who we love so much never gives up on me. I see that in you too. He is always patient with me and never leaves though I practically turn and run away so often. You do the same. He is a God of love and mercy, but also a just God desiring obedience and discipline. He will always pursue and search my heart and demand for me to live a life in reflection of his son Jesus.