Confessions of a selfish heart

I spent a long time with Jesus today just reading and realized that even though I thought that keeping my distance was best so that I wouldn’t seem cold towards you, I ended up doing that anyway. I failed to serve and be a true friend the way Jesus desires. Several verses stood out to me which describe the way I truly desire to live but have failed and therefore failed you as my friend and sister in Christ: “Love must be sincere, Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” ~Romans 12:9-12 “Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.” ~ 1 Cor. 10:24

I have not loved sincerely or honored you above myself. Though I feel like I am very patient in my own affliction, I didn’t see just how much it affected you. However, along with realizing this, I do rejoice because the Lord always knows the best way to teach and rebuke me. I do not like it nor do I deal with it appropriately all the time. But I would be lying if I were not thankful for all of the times in my life God chooses to use things like this to teach me. “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” ~Romans 5:3-5

So, as much as I am sorry for the way I handled this and hurt you I am grateful that the Lord who we love so much never gives up on me. I see that in you too. He is always patient with me and never leaves though I practically turn and run away so often. You do the same. He is a God of love and mercy, but also a just God desiring obedience and discipline. He will always pursue and search my heart and demand for me to live a life in reflection of his son Jesus.

Loves at all times...

Who comes in when the whole world goes out.
Remaining.

Believes in you when you cease to believe in yourself.
Enduring.

As iron sharpens iron.
Sharpening.
Instrumental.

If one falls down.
Essential.

Confidential.

Always pulling up.
Influential.

Sacrificial.

...Friend.

"Just okay is not enough...gonna let my heart defeat my mind"

This amazing song has been playing in my heart since the day I first heard it riding in my car. I've become so complacent with life these days. Letting so many opportunities to glorify the Lord and grow my relationship with him pass me by.

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

~Matthew West, The Motions

Awesomeness

On September 13th I turned 26! And I had the best weekend! One of my best friends from college came to Augusta on Friday night and we got to catch up and hang out. Saturday morning me and some friends met my family in Athens for the first UGA game! I just love tailgating in Athens and we were out there all day. The dawgs pulled it out for their first win of the season (thankfully). Everyone pitched in on the food and I must say the spread was pretty sweet. Sunday we were supposed to kayak down the river which I was really excited about because I've never done it, but the river was too low so we just played on the sandbar all day. I felt like a kid. It was truly an amazing day! The best part about it was that I was with my family and friends. They're pretty awesome:)

Ohhhh we're half way there.....livin' on a prayer!

School started for the fall semester. And its going to be the busiest semester ever! Not to mention full of bittersweetness! (I think I just made up that word) But It means that I'm that much closer to leaving Augusta and the wonderful friends I've made here! I am excited about level II's and that we are half way done with school! So I guess I'll just focus on that for now, not to mention the sweet intramurals coming up!! Another exciting thing is the fact that I have no idea where God wants me after that. Its like reading a novel (and for those of you out there laughing at that statement, I'll have you know I've finished another!). Guess I could end up back here. But who knows the Lord may want on the other side of the world (or state). Its kind of fun not having to worry about that though. Takes a little pressure off and really lets God show you where He wants you to be! My prayer is that the Lord just keep me focused on His will right now. I know he wants me to do well in school and I should probably put a little more into that:) That's why he has me here anyway. And enjoy the opportunities I have to build new relationships (esp with the first years) and deepen the ones I'm already blessed with.

Overwhelmed by a Relentless God

So...I just finished the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It is amazing and a must read! I love how Chan puts in all right there in your face and challenges you to actually act. God desires us to all be in a passionate love relationship with himself. To live out love that some people would call crazy, but really for Christians should be the only thing that makes sense.
Here's one of my favorite quotes from the book (which Chan quotes from The Pursuit of God)

"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, 'Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.' Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long."

No serving leftovers to a Holy God.

In a moment life can....

As July comes to a close this week I look back with amazement that I actually got through it! Fort Lauderdale for a week, which was actually relaxing, Augusta for a week, which my car was stolen, camp for a week, then finals. Yes, I did say my car was stolen. I got home from school one day and was only planning on running in for a quick bite to eat and then head to the gym. Except when I started to leave my car was not in my driveway. Yep, that's right. They stole it right out of my driveway while I was home! I was in shock for a while, but really what could I do. It was already gone. Probably long gone. I felt really violated! They practically stole it right out from under me. Luckily, the police found it several days later. It was on empty when they took it so they couldn't ride around too long. Lesson of the day: always leave your car on empty in case someone wants to steal it:) Anyway, its back and running with new keys and everything! Life just throws so bumps every now and then! The Lord gave me such a peace during the whole thing. I knew he had things under control and I just had to trust him no matter what. My roommate gave me a verse the day my car was stolen "And we know that in ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." God is so good!

Brag Box

Isn't he just precious!













And he loves his "aunt" Laura!

Crazy July

July is one crazy month! It started off in Big Canoe, then Atlanta, back to Big Canoe, and then off to Fort Lauderdale (that was only the first weekend). I got to see Hudson for the first time and I must say he is amazing! I also got to run the Peachtree Road Race for the first time which was also an awesome experience. On the 4th I was out on the boat with some of my best friends, then it was off to the airport. I just got back from a week in Fort Lauderdale with Meg & Blake!! I did have to work:( (Geriatric fieldwork), but I love seeing them! I learned so much this past week about working with the geriatric population. I'm not sure if that is where I want to work but I don't think I would hate it. It was so great to spend some time with Meg & Blakers! They just live too far away:( Now, I'm in Augusta for a week then off to Camp TBI! What a month!

VoLlEyBaLl

I've been playing a lot of volleyball lately. I've never really played before (and I'm short) but we are having the most fun!! I feel like I might be getting better or I'm at least learning how to play though the execution is not always the best:) If you've never played you should try it!

School Days...

I about a week and a half I will be done with Anatomy and well on my way to being a 2nd year OT student!! I've never been one for studying, but thankfully the Lord has focused my mind and allowed me to do very well on all of my tests so far. I'm also so blessed to be celebrating my last test with the reunion of some of my college friends! As soon as I finish my test next Wednesday I'm headed to Atlanta for the Peachtree road race and 4th of July at Big Canoe!! I'm so excited!! Just have a lot of school work to get through before I can enjoy some good time!!

Some Daily Bread

THE STRENGTH OF A GOOD SOLDIER OF JESUS CHRIST
APPEARS IN NOTHING MORE THAN IN STEADFASTLY
MAINTAINING THE HOLY CALM, MEEKNESS,
SWEETNESS AND BENEVOLENCE
OF HIS MIND, AMIDST ALL THE STORMS,
INJURIES, STRANGE BEHAVIOR AND SURPRISING ACTS
AND EVENTS OF THIS EVIL
AND UNREASONABLE WORLD.
(JONATHAN EDWARDS)

8.9lbs and 22 inches...

Happy Birthday Hudson Michael Brown! My sweet Anna had her first baby today! I'm so excited I can barely put it into words. I've only seem a picture but I already love that little boy with all my heart! I can't wait to see him in person!!

This song is for you Hudson....

"You're a little piece of heaven
You're a golden ray of light
And I wish I could protect you
From the worries of this life
But if there's one thing I could tell you
It's no matter what you do
Hold to Jesus
He's holding on to you

The world will try to tell you
That might is more than right
That beauty's on the outside
And being good's a losing fight
But remember what I've told you
Because the world will make you choose
Hold to Jesus
He's holding on to you

Hold on to Jesus
Cling to His love
Rest deep in His mercy
Whenever things get rough
Don't lose sight of His goodness
And don't ever doubt this truth
That when you hold on to Jesus
He's holding on to you

Hear me dear Jesus
Rock this little one to sleep
Keep him close when he's scared
And give him grace when he is weak
I know he'll stumble
But I know he'll make it through
If you hold to him just like
You said You'd do
Hold him Jesus
And he'll hold on tight to You"

~Hold On to Jesus by Eric O'Donnell & Janna Long

School's in for the summer...

School started for summer semester and surprisingly I'm excited about it. Now, I've never been one to be excited about school. I just learned what studying was in graduate school:) But for some reason this summer excites me. I'm not sure if its the anatomy class in which we get to dissect human cadavers (which has been really cool so far!) or just the craziness/funniness of this busy season. We'll see....

Back from Mississippi

Well, I'm finally home after a long ride! It has been a great break though. I spent several days at the beach with the girls, a few days at home, and then Stacey and I went to Mississippi for a few days to visit her grandparents and one of my best friends, Anna!! She is pregnant and due any moment! It was such a fun and relaxing trip. One of my favorite things to do is to spend good times with good friends and that just what this trip was. Not only did Stacey and I get some good "BFF" time (that was for you Stace). Anna and I got to catch up on life and I got to feel baby brown move! A lot!! Life is such a miracle and a blessing! God continues to bless me with such amazing friends both new and old!

a little catch up...

So school has been crazy since the last time I posted! Spring semester is over and I have two weeks off before starting a crazy summer full of anatomy lab and other fun classes. This semester was pretty tough and busy! Some girls from class have been planning a beach trip since we got back from Christmas break. It helped us get through the semester classes! I actually just got back today for that! It was an amazing trip and a needed one! I've also been preparing for another mission trip. The team was suppose to leave on May 10th (just a few days away) but it was canceled due to the swine flu outbreak down there. Continue to pray for Mexico. They're going through a lot right now. I was really upset about the trip being canceled, but I'm just trying to trust God even without understanding. Missions has such a special place in my heart and I am just disappointed. I do however get to go and see a good friend is Mississippi now. She is having her first baby and its been killing me that I haven't been able to be there with her during the whole process. She is due in about two weeks and I can't wait to meet baby brown! I'm going to love that little one so much! I've also be thinking about some updates to this 'ol blog. It's about time for some changes (way past time actually) so I'm going to move some things around, update others and try to post more pictures. So get ready for some fun changes!

God is so Good!

So the other night I decided to read some of my old journals. I really don't journal very much, but I was flipping through and came across three letters. I had written them to God exactly a year ago. While I was reading through the letters I became so overwhelmed by what the Lord has done in my life the past year! He is so good! Last year at this time I was working through some difficult steps and never thought I would get through it. This year has been so amazing! It is truly a picture of God's loving grace, patience, and constant desire to be in a relationship with us! I'm so glad that the Lord was able to show me what He has done through me over the past year.

Happy New Year!

So I'm really slacking! It's a new year and I'm already back in school! It is going to be a really busy and crazy semester. A lot of fun things ahead though! We have a mental health fieldwork this semester, which I'm very interested in and we also find out our level II placements!! All of this building up to a crazy summer! It should be fun!