So I thought it might be a good idea to go out to dinner with a certain someone (the ex). What an idiot! (me that is) I mean what was I thinking trying to have dinner with someone who I'm obviously still in love with and try to act like were friends.
The dinner actually went fine. We just talked and caught up on what is going on in our lives. I had fun. He had fun. While we were together, anyways. I guess that why is was hard. Life goes on when you expect things not to. Its hard to see that someone you love so much is totally fine with you not being a part of their life. Ouch! I mean I guess he is. We kept away from relationship talk. Not a single word about us (or the previous "us").
Is it possible to be friends with someone you are still in love with or is it just not worth the continued pain? Usually everyone would say no! Move on and let it go. But what about when that person's brother is a really good friend and his whole family mean so much to you. Do you have to let them all go? I mean it might be possible to keep in touch with just brother, except for the fact that they are identical twins, live together, and and and..... I mean they are family!
I guess it was good though. Not a step back, not a step forward, maybe just a spin around. A reevaluation? Maybe not.
My heart just keeps hanging on and doing silly things like thinking dinner together is a good idea.
Love really is blind.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Martinis and evil spirits
02-23-08
This weekend I had one of the most amazing experiences. I went to dinner with some of my best friends. We had a girl’s night full of catching up and laughs. It was so much fun and it felt so good and uplifting to be around them. We had a martini or two and talked the night away. When we started to leave on of the girls sisters called and was scared. She said she felt like there was something in the house where she was babysitting. This sister has some of the most amazing spiritual gifts. Which I never knew about until now. We all went over to the house so that we could pray with her and over the house.
Now, I have only done this one other time in my life. The same friend came to visit me one weekend and we talked about not being able to sleep and hearing music from the radio that wasn’t on. She prayed over my house and with me and my roommate.
We got to the house and the sister told us when she was putting one of the children down she felt an evil spirit in the room and heard a voice. Four of us began to pray over the house and for the evil spirit to leave and my friend and her sister went to pray in the child’s room. I have never experienced that kind of prayer. The other threes girls were speaking out to God and trembling. I kept thinking I was going to fall. I just kept saying the same things over and over. “ give me strength”, “evil has no power, we are God’s children.” Then something came over me and I started crying and fell to my knees. All I could say was “get out”, “get out” “get out!” this was almost at the end of our prayer and I knew that the spirits were out of the house but I felt like there was something in me. Maybe its been in my heart for a while. My friends knelt right on top of me and one of them broke out and started praying specifically praying for me. Later she said she just felt compelled to pray for me. I had said nothing about feeling like there was something in me. I guess she felt it.
We were all amazed when it was over and went outside to pray for the sister who had to spend the night. While we were praying I heard some mumbles that I totally could not understand. Like another language all together. I realized that the sister was speaking in tongues. All of this we had just discussed at dinner, demons and spiritual gifts of speaking in tongues. It was like nothing I’ve ever heard before and I was so blessed to have heard it. I caught myself trying to understand and stopped myself. I knew that was between her and God and maybe He just wanted me to catch a glimpse of it, but it was not meant for me to understand. We left and I think all of us were in amazement. It really made me think about the power of God. Even in His name. What an experience.
This weekend I had one of the most amazing experiences. I went to dinner with some of my best friends. We had a girl’s night full of catching up and laughs. It was so much fun and it felt so good and uplifting to be around them. We had a martini or two and talked the night away. When we started to leave on of the girls sisters called and was scared. She said she felt like there was something in the house where she was babysitting. This sister has some of the most amazing spiritual gifts. Which I never knew about until now. We all went over to the house so that we could pray with her and over the house.
Now, I have only done this one other time in my life. The same friend came to visit me one weekend and we talked about not being able to sleep and hearing music from the radio that wasn’t on. She prayed over my house and with me and my roommate.
We got to the house and the sister told us when she was putting one of the children down she felt an evil spirit in the room and heard a voice. Four of us began to pray over the house and for the evil spirit to leave and my friend and her sister went to pray in the child’s room. I have never experienced that kind of prayer. The other threes girls were speaking out to God and trembling. I kept thinking I was going to fall. I just kept saying the same things over and over. “ give me strength”, “evil has no power, we are God’s children.” Then something came over me and I started crying and fell to my knees. All I could say was “get out”, “get out” “get out!” this was almost at the end of our prayer and I knew that the spirits were out of the house but I felt like there was something in me. Maybe its been in my heart for a while. My friends knelt right on top of me and one of them broke out and started praying specifically praying for me. Later she said she just felt compelled to pray for me. I had said nothing about feeling like there was something in me. I guess she felt it.
We were all amazed when it was over and went outside to pray for the sister who had to spend the night. While we were praying I heard some mumbles that I totally could not understand. Like another language all together. I realized that the sister was speaking in tongues. All of this we had just discussed at dinner, demons and spiritual gifts of speaking in tongues. It was like nothing I’ve ever heard before and I was so blessed to have heard it. I caught myself trying to understand and stopped myself. I knew that was between her and God and maybe He just wanted me to catch a glimpse of it, but it was not meant for me to understand. We left and I think all of us were in amazement. It really made me think about the power of God. Even in His name. What an experience.
Monday, February 11, 2008
heartbroken
I broke down one day.
It was a different kind of brokenness than I’ve been feeling over the past 9 months. I’m reading this book The Case for Faith by Lee Strobel. In the beginning of the book he interviews this guy who use to preach with Bill Graham but has now turned agnostic. He began to ask him about Jesus and the man broke down into tears, barely able to speak, saying how important Jesus was in his life and how he missed him so dearly. This from a man who is agnostic? But he realized that something deep and meaningful was missing!
It was that kind of heartbroken!
For the first time I realized that it wasn’t only my broken heart from a man but a broken heart for Jesus that ached so badly everyday.
Broken heart FROM man.
Broken heart FOR Jesus.
I had lost two of the most important men in my life.
One by his choice, one by mine.
I may never have one of them in my life again, but I defiantly won’t have LIFE again without the other!
"Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away; "
~Come, Thou Fount
It was a different kind of brokenness than I’ve been feeling over the past 9 months. I’m reading this book The Case for Faith by Lee Strobel. In the beginning of the book he interviews this guy who use to preach with Bill Graham but has now turned agnostic. He began to ask him about Jesus and the man broke down into tears, barely able to speak, saying how important Jesus was in his life and how he missed him so dearly. This from a man who is agnostic? But he realized that something deep and meaningful was missing!
It was that kind of heartbroken!
For the first time I realized that it wasn’t only my broken heart from a man but a broken heart for Jesus that ached so badly everyday.
Broken heart FROM man.
Broken heart FOR Jesus.
I had lost two of the most important men in my life.
One by his choice, one by mine.
I may never have one of them in my life again, but I defiantly won’t have LIFE again without the other!
"Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away; "
~Come, Thou Fount
Friday, February 8, 2008
catch up day
I had an amazing interview at the Medical College today. I interviewed for the Occupational Therapy program. Its been a long, but amazing day. We'll see what God want to do with it.
I needed to catch up on some posting. That's why there are so many today. I usually write a little throughout the days and then post. I'll try to get better at the day to day thing. Or at least when things actually happen.
I'm training for a half marathon.
It's actually funny because I've never desired to run for hours at a time. For some reason I felt a push to do it. Who knows? But it does seem to help balance things out. Maybe God wants to do something with that? Maybe he'll start talking to me while I'm running, or maybe i'll start listening!
I needed to catch up on some posting. That's why there are so many today. I usually write a little throughout the days and then post. I'll try to get better at the day to day thing. Or at least when things actually happen.
I'm training for a half marathon.
It's actually funny because I've never desired to run for hours at a time. For some reason I felt a push to do it. Who knows? But it does seem to help balance things out. Maybe God wants to do something with that? Maybe he'll start talking to me while I'm running, or maybe i'll start listening!
spiritual vertigo
ver·ti·go
1. a condition in which somebody feels a sensation of whirling or tilting that causes a loss of balance, disoriented, frightened, angry (i added the last two!)
So just as I was about to write of a great day my vertigo kicks in and I have the “loss of balance” feeling. It seems that some of my best days are followed by a really bad one. I had an amazing Saturday in which God really seemed like he was calming my heart and helping me find him and peace. Sunday rolls around and I’m back to the waterworks again. No certain event happened. No person said anything. Another weekend I spent hanging out with some great friends I haven’t seen in a while and almost the entire ride home was filled with tears. Two hours. Why the up and down? Why the spells of spiritual vertigo? I read the term in a book I’m reading and it seemed to fit. Whirling is right! Loss of balance! Loss of all the steps I’ve taken so far. So many great steps forward and in a moment I feel right back in the moment it all happened. Sitting on the bed, hardly breathing, crying. Why do two steps forward come with one step back? We go through ups and downs throughout our entire life. What's the deal with going through ups and downs when your already pretty far down? I mean how is it possible to lose your balance lying on the floor?
I guess that means I'm not on the floor anymore? Maybe I'm beginning to stand back up and that's why I'm getting so dizzy. I've let myself be down there so long I forgot what it felt like to stand up.
1. a condition in which somebody feels a sensation of whirling or tilting that causes a loss of balance, disoriented, frightened, angry (i added the last two!)
So just as I was about to write of a great day my vertigo kicks in and I have the “loss of balance” feeling. It seems that some of my best days are followed by a really bad one. I had an amazing Saturday in which God really seemed like he was calming my heart and helping me find him and peace. Sunday rolls around and I’m back to the waterworks again. No certain event happened. No person said anything. Another weekend I spent hanging out with some great friends I haven’t seen in a while and almost the entire ride home was filled with tears. Two hours. Why the up and down? Why the spells of spiritual vertigo? I read the term in a book I’m reading and it seemed to fit. Whirling is right! Loss of balance! Loss of all the steps I’ve taken so far. So many great steps forward and in a moment I feel right back in the moment it all happened. Sitting on the bed, hardly breathing, crying. Why do two steps forward come with one step back? We go through ups and downs throughout our entire life. What's the deal with going through ups and downs when your already pretty far down? I mean how is it possible to lose your balance lying on the floor?
I guess that means I'm not on the floor anymore? Maybe I'm beginning to stand back up and that's why I'm getting so dizzy. I've let myself be down there so long I forgot what it felt like to stand up.
days go by…
“days go by, I can feel them flying like a hand out the window in the wind..” –keith urban
I can’t believe how quickly this year has flown by. I feel, as I’ve said before, like the world just took off without me. I’ve been stuck. Not moving for the past year. I’ve watched people move on with their lives, people begin new lives. It’s been a movie for me. Some parts easier to see than others.
I think I’m starting to move again. Life is beginning to not feel like a movie I’m watching. But ever so slowly.
I can’t believe how quickly this year has flown by. I feel, as I’ve said before, like the world just took off without me. I’ve been stuck. Not moving for the past year. I’ve watched people move on with their lives, people begin new lives. It’s been a movie for me. Some parts easier to see than others.
I think I’m starting to move again. Life is beginning to not feel like a movie I’m watching. But ever so slowly.
glimpse of a bad day…
rolled out of bed one day. literally. the only thing i felt was the cold floor. my body was numb, my heart was so numb. i literally could not feel my heart beating inside my own body. i tried to pinch myself to see if i was still asleep. i didn’t feel the pinch, but i felt the cold floor on my face. yes. my face. too bad it wasn’t numb. it was one of those days God didn’t seem to exist for me. i made it to the shower only to sit down and let the water run over me. my tears were probably more water than the shower. the only words i could managed to squeak out were, “God, please, God.” still i didn’t feel him there.
missed class.
missed class.
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