spiritual vertigo

ver·ti·go
1. a condition in which somebody feels a sensation of whirling or tilting that causes a loss of balance, disoriented, frightened, angry (i added the last two!)

So just as I was about to write of a great day my vertigo kicks in and I have the “loss of balance” feeling. It seems that some of my best days are followed by a really bad one. I had an amazing Saturday in which God really seemed like he was calming my heart and helping me find him and peace. Sunday rolls around and I’m back to the waterworks again. No certain event happened. No person said anything. Another weekend I spent hanging out with some great friends I haven’t seen in a while and almost the entire ride home was filled with tears. Two hours. Why the up and down? Why the spells of spiritual vertigo? I read the term in a book I’m reading and it seemed to fit. Whirling is right! Loss of balance! Loss of all the steps I’ve taken so far. So many great steps forward and in a moment I feel right back in the moment it all happened. Sitting on the bed, hardly breathing, crying. Why do two steps forward come with one step back? We go through ups and downs throughout our entire life. What's the deal with going through ups and downs when your already pretty far down? I mean how is it possible to lose your balance lying on the floor?

I guess that means I'm not on the floor anymore? Maybe I'm beginning to stand back up and that's why I'm getting so dizzy. I've let myself be down there so long I forgot what it felt like to stand up.