Almost December...

I can't believe that December is almost here. And that means I've been doing this for almost a year. It has been a wonderful little adventure for me especially in the beginning when I was writing a lot. I've been a little lazy over the past few months! Sorry. But these months have been filled! School started off great, but soon became a mess of confusion and business. I've never been one to stress about school and I found myself right in the middle of it. Yuck! Not were I like to be. But it just helped me re-focus on why I am where I am and what in the world I am doing. The messiness of life, school in general, always keeps me looking ahead to what the real purpose is and the greater things that are to come. Not just the things that may or may not happen tomorrow, but what will happen and is promised by our Savior. I've gained an eternal perspective! I never really knew what it meant before I actually found it. I've always heard the words "eternal perspective" but never had a grasp of the concept. That is what the past few months have been for me. Learning what it means to have that eternal perspective. Not just looking to what is going on now, but focusing on the truth that the little things of this world really aren't that big a deal. Lord has it under control and all I need to do is focus on things that are eternal. Building relationships with other, sharing the love Christ has given, trying to follow His example and glorifying Him.

Fresh look

Just when I think I'm losing my mind and feel like I'm not trusting God at all, He goes and reveals Himself so clearly and helps me to realize that I just have to stop focusing on the outward and what the world would see and focus on Him. In regards to the last post....God is ever so faithful. Not only do I feel like I'm trusting Him more now, He has allowed me to let go of even more of myself.

Trusting God?

So its been a while....let me catch you up on life. School is going well. Most of what we are learning is theory stuff and we don't see the application yet, which is frustrating at times. I do enjoy learning more about the different aspects of what I will actually be doing as an OT, but I am mostly enjoying my classmates. God has defiantly blessed this class with some amazing girls and I have become great friends with many of them. The are just wonderful girls! Outside of school things are good too. God is teaching me so much through relationships and the big thing I feel he is working is TRUSTING Him. It is so easy to say that I trust God especially when I am liking school, loving my classmates, and hanging out with an amazing godly man. And even when things aren't going so great I can say I trust God. When tests are difficult or other things are crazy I know God is control and can say I trust God. But just saying it doesn't always make it true. Just in the past day God has been pounding me with the questions "Do you REALLY trust me?", "Do you REALLY believe I have an amazing plan and want the best for you?" He brought about a situation a day or so ago that has really made me search my heart for the answers to these questions. All I'll say is that it was a relationship situation. Nothing terrible, bad or even hurtful. Just difficult. How can I be trusting God when my heart is screaming NO!? I desire with all that I am to fully trust the Lord and I defiantly want to in this situation because I believe He brought me to this relationship for a reason. I know He is sovereign in all things and all situations and most of me is okay with how things are, but the other part is so upset. I feel like I am letting Him down! I realize that the Lord uses situations like this to build and test my trust for even greater things to come. This is how He and I work together. This is how He teaches me best. I've been through it before, many times and God always has amazing outcomes. I'm just having a hard time focusing on that truth this time.

From My Journal

I'm not really a big journal person. That's why these blogs are always at random times and never regular:) But I try to keep a journal when I travel especially on missions so that I can look back and remember what God has done. I just want to share this one entry about the most amazing lesson God taught me on the trip to Trinidad. He is so good!

Trinidad 2008
8-14-08
I never knew the boldness that was inside me until I had to be in spiritual counseling all day long. I didn't have the words to say and defiantly not the scripture in my head to back it up. What in the world was I doing here? Maybe everybody else will step up and talk. Well, evidently God wanted me to talk. As soon as I opened my mouth I knew something stupid would come out. It didn't sound right when I went through it in my head. But somehow the words seemed to flow out easily. It absolutely was not me speaking, it was the Lord! I'm not that great at finding the right words, but throughout that entire day God continued to speak the right words for the right people and yes even scripture. I quoted scripture! The very last lady that we saw was probably the biggest challenge. She believed strongly that if you do good things and are a good person you will go to heaven. I shared the gospel with her and she keep referring to good works getting you into heaven. Somehow there were words coming out of my mouth for everything she said. Words to counter hers and to point her right back to it being all about Jesus. Halfway through she just looked and me and said 'ok'. I mean, what do you say to that? I knew she didn't understand, but God had something and honestly I can't tell you word for word what that was, but it made her really think. She still had many questions in her head and I could tell even though she kept saying 'ok, yeah, ok.' We did get to pray with her and I hope that she continues to ask questions and seek after God, the one and only Truth!
God will use us in amazing ways if we just stop putting Him in a box and telling Him what a terrible job He did when He created us. That is exactly what we do when we make excuses for why we can't do things. Just like me when I "knew" I couldn't spiritual counsel someone or teach the gospel to them. God will work out His plan and it will never return void! Let God do the work in you because He will work amazingly!! I pray that the Lord would continue to empty us all out and fill us up with His Holy Spirit, not that we be made any better, but that His gospel may be spread and above all else His mighty name glorified! What a blessing and humbling experience it is to be used by our Lord as a vessel to spread His love, mercy, and truth!! I just love Jesus!!

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." ~Acts 1:8

"Declare His glory among the nations His marvelous deeds among all peoples." ~Psalm 96:3

Back in the States!!

I just got back from my trip to Trinidad and I can hardly tell you how amazing it was!! We were there for 10 days staying in a ministry compound and setting up dental/PT/OT clinics at a local church. We arrived late friday night, unloaded, and tried to get some rest for the early morning to come. 5:45 everyday!! Hard to believe that I was up that early for anything, but it was defiantly a blessing! We had worship every morning at 6:15, then devotions and breakfast before we headed out for our clinic days. Clinic lasted from about 9-5 saturday, monday-thursday and a half day on friday. We also had worship after dinner each night. The last saturday we got to go to the beach which was amazing! We went to a little beach that was pretty much in a cove with mountains surrounding it! Beautiful. and yes I got burnt :( but in my defense I did put on 50 sun block. twice. Anyway, this is just a little glimpse of the trip. I'll share more later after I get all my thoughts together and get a little rest!! I actually started school today so things are crazy but let me just say God is amazing and completely faithful! I'll share stories soon!!

Right Where I Need To Be!!

Just recently (let's say the past two months) God has made me so comfortable right where I am in life. More specifically, where He has me in life. If you have been reading my past blogs you know my heart. Let's just get this part out there...yes...I'm single (still), coming off of a really badly ended relationship, all (let me repeat that) ALL of my close college friends are married and have started on there careers and the world would say "started there life". Here I am, still in school, not even dating. Well, that's perfect! (no sarcasm intended!!) God has helped me realize that this is perfect for me right now!! And those who know me know how much I desire to be in love and to have the company of the one the Lord has made to compliment me!!! But what they don't know (and I haven't understood) and God does, it that He has so much for me to learn about Him and myself before then. We always try to jump ahead in our lives just because everyone else is at a certain point. We try to rush through school, singleness, and whatever else! I think we need to remind ourselves how different God made each of us and how God can reveal so much to us when we don't have responsibilities of a family or career. I never understood the joy of being single (and in my case still in school) until now. I've been able to to listen and learn from myself and who God wants me to be. What are my desires? What do I want out of life? What are my passions? God may have been revealing these things to me since I was born, but just now I have been able to let go and see. I have realized that I have to understand myself and my life first. I need to be a strong person on my own, with my own desires and passions, and know who God is for me and what He is in my life!! That way when God does bring that someone into my life.....I don't disappear!! I'm still who God has molded me to be and the man God has for me will compliment that and our relationship can glorify God that much more!!

I look back over the past year and I see how much God has done in my life! How much I have grown into the women God wanted me to be. I've had no relationship responsibilities, only me to focus on and learn about and see what God desires for me to be. It's really amazing and adventurous and mysterious!!!

I can never thank God enough for loving me enough to lead me right where I need to be!! I know God will reveal the next step in my life right when I need it! Right now I'm just enjoying each moment and getting to know God more intimately for myself!

Wedding Bliss

One down and three to go.....

One of my best friends got married this past weekend!! I spent most of the week before her wedding with her getting last minute things done. Everything was amazing and God could not have given us a more beautiful day to celebrate this occasion!! Weddings are such an amazing reminder of how God is love and how he uses us and marriage as a picture of that! Especially when couples so openly praise God for all He does! It is such a witness and encouragement and I thank God for giving me so many friends and family who's marriages are a living testament to the love of God and what He desire for that bond to look like:)

Reading: UnChristian

I am currently reading the book unChristian by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons. I've already learned so much from this book and I'm not close to being done!! It forces you to look deep into your own life and evaluate it. If you're a christian, does your life really reflect Christ? really? In all areas? We all have sin in our lives, but if you claim to be a Christian every part of your life should be at least fighting to follow His REAL teachings! STOP staying you're a Christ follower if don't back it up. Non-christians are tired of it!! (the book is based on research done on the perceptions of Christians by non-christians, pretty much what our lives look to them)

We are pushing them away! That's not what Christ did!! I say we because I'm included. Everyday and every moment of the day I have to evaluate my life. I have to pray for God to help me see my sin and fight it!! LIVING the gospel will help others come to know Christ! If you're a non-christian, I apologize. I apologize that we (including me!!) have not lived our lives in reflection of Christ. We have let you down by not living it out and showing you the truth, love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness Christ alone offers. I hope that we can start living it out! Living out not what we preach, but what God preaches!!

(a must read!

So I'm Leaving the Country!!

I don't think that I have told you about my trip to Trinidad! I've become involved with Medical Campus Outreach and they take severals mission trips throughout each year. This year I have the amazing opportunity to travel to Trinidad with a group of Dental, Physical Therapy and (fellow) Occupational Therapy students!! We will be setting up clinics and treating patients in our perspective areas, as well as talking about Christ with them and praying for them! We also get to play with the children!! I've been given the responsibility of getting the children's ministry stuff together! I'm so excited! I had to send out support letter in order to raise the money to go and the support has been overwhelmingly wonderful!! The Lord truly provides!

We leave August 8th and return on the 17th! (which is the day before school starts, AH!!)


"How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!” ~Romans 10:15

Simply the Presence

Today at work a man came to get a cup of coffee. Not unusual for a coffee shop:) But the man, who is about a grandfathers age and in a wheel chair from diabetes, just seemed to linger around the counter. For about 45 minutes. He didn't really say very much. Only a few words every now and then. As I was closing up and telling him goodbye I realized he just wanted to be in the presence of someone. Living in the Veterans Hospital can be lonely. He just wanted someone to be there with him. We didn't have to talk or even make eye contact, but the presence of someone can be comforting. It really humbled me. Sometimes we see things like this as annoying or uncomfortable, but think about what his day may have been filled with otherwise. 45 minutes is not that long, especially out of 24 hours! If it was comforting for this man to just be in the presence of another human being think about how amazing it is to just simply be in the presence of the Lord. I pray this man knows the Lord and feels his loving presence daily and that God may put other "presences" in his life to make it joyful!!

Get Me Outta Here!

I am headed off for the beach!! A long four day weekend filled with the beach, good food, drinks and friends!! These past few weeks have been a little crazy getting my support letters out (did I tell you I'm going to Trinidad?), finishing the plans for a bachelorette weekend and working. I'm ready for a nice relaxing break away from Augusta!! I feel like I'll actually be able to take a breath before the rest of the crazy/fun summer starts!! I'll try not to think about all the showers, three weddings, and moving my sister! AHHH! Yay for a deep breath!

God of this city

Yesterday in church we sang the most amazing song! Its one of those songs that make me want to laugh and cry at the same time! Every time I hear it and sing it I feel the most amazing power from God! It reminds me that God has greater things to come. We are going to be a part of these greater things! How awesome is that?! The song is "God of this City" by Chris Tomlin........I just love it!!

"You're the God of this city, You're the King of these people, You're the Lord of this nation. You're the light in this darkness, You're the hope to the hopeless, You're the peace to the restless. There is no one like our God! For greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city"

Up Close and Personal

I've been reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. Now, I'm only three chapters in but they are talking about a women's heart and desires and the original way God made us and the way it is now (after the Fall). While I think it is good so far it's sort of hard to read. You may have to experience it for yourself to know what I'm talking about. Its one of those books for me that makes you really think about what your own heart is doing and its like looking in one of those really close up mirrors and seeing everything! Way too close! Don't get me wrong, it's good to take that close a look at yourself. You need to know who you really are. But sometimes what it reveals is not so easy to take. Not that what I see is terrible, but I see the longings and desires that I have sort of pushed down (if you've been reading for a while it may be obvious). But they are longings and desires that I know are not yet to be fulfilled. Not right now anyway.

I just get in the way!!

....of myself! You know exactly what I mean by this too!! We all do it. Especially me! I often spend so much time getting in the way of myself that I forget what I was actually suppose to be doing. HaHa! The preacher talked about this on Sunday. He talked about "model citizen" of the kingdom and what we are modeling ourselves after. Actually, WHO we are modeling ourselves after. We are NOT called to model a what, which could be rules, expectations, etc. We are called to model Christ. I just love it!! And I often forget. If I even tried to fully model myself can you imagine what I would be like. Think about how you would be? First off, I wouldn't even be here. I could never in my life dream of the creation and make it happen!! AHHH!! Way out of my league. But even smaller, I could never truly love, respect, and enjoy others if it weren't for Christ in me. I'm selfish, hince the reason I always get in the way of a GREATER plan for my life. It's all about Him! So i'm going to try and stay out of the way and I know things will be amazing!!

Bible Study

For the past few months I've been involved in a women's bible study. I'll be honest, at first I wasn't sure if I was really excited about it. I mean the girls seemed nice, but would I really have anything in common with these girls? I was use to being in a bible study with some of my closest friends who I could share every bit of my heart. They always kept me accountable. I guess I thought I would be walking into the exact same bible study. But it was different. My closest friends weren't there. In fact none of us really knew each other at all. We spent the first few minutes of each bible study saying our names and which school we were in. That happened for a month or so.

But God was doing something. And He brought us all together. Slowly each of us are become more comfortable around each other and we are all beginning to share what's on our hearts. A few weeks ago we started having a prayer partner each week and it is really bringing us together. These girls are wonderful and have amazing hearts for the Lord.

It was selfish of me to walk into the bible study with that kind of attitude. The Lord had amazing things is store and I was just too consumed with my view to even see it. I guess we just needed time to get to know each other and let God do his work in us. And I know what you're thinking....duh!!! It takes time to get to know people!! But when you are so use to things a certain way you don't really see the obvious.

I'm so blessed to have the opportunity to get to know these girls. They challenge the way I think and we are really able to dive deep in the word each time we meet. I'm so excited to see how the Lord continues to grow us!!

April Fools

I didn't come up with a good joke for April Fools, but I found this picture and thought it was worth sharing.

Celebrate You

I just want to celebrate you, my friends. I have been blessed so much by my friends lately. And the thing is they don't even know they are blessing me. Everyday I look forward to seeing my friends or just talking with them. So much has been going on in their lives (all my friends from college have gotten married in the past two years) So we've had some celebrating to do. I love being with them and experiencing these amazing life changes with them!! It make my heart so joyful looking forward to the next shower, party, or hang out time. My friends, you are amazing! I love you dearly! And I love celebrating everything that life hands us! Hears to you, my blessed friends!

Freedom in Forgiveness

There is something that is so freeing about being able to forgive someone. Holding on to the hurt, pain, or grudge puts heaviness in your life that can weigh down on the soul. You may not even realize it yourself, but when you are able to forgive you feel freedom that wasn't there before. Forgiveness lifts that off and allows your spirit to be free and to be free to the fullest. Forgiveness allows you to experience the true joy that would otherwise be blocked. It is a hard thing though. Especially if someone you love does the hurting. There is no 10-step program or rules to follow to be able to forgive. It's a hear things. Maybe that's why it's so hard sometimes. It also takes a realization that whatever it is doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter if someone said something behind your back. It doesn't matter if someone cheated you, if someone doesn't like you or if someone broke your heart. Not that the pain you felt didn't matter, but that the situation no longer needs to have purpose or meaning to dwell in your life! Forgiveness doesn't mean you don't still have questions, but you don't need or want the answers anymore. They don't matter. God is bigger. When you really think about it, you cheated God, you didn't like Him, you broke His heart. Yet He forgives you continuously. This isn't your show anyway. You are just along for the ride. You can't truly enjoy it if there is something holding you back. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. And when you can bring your heart to forgive, you find amazing freedom, true joy, and a closeness to God.

LET IT GO!

My joyful heart has more good news! It has finally been renewed! God is so good and faithful. Even in the times when I wanted nothing to do with Him, He was there and He was working in my heart and patiently waiting for this very day! I feel like I have "let it all go." Not that my heart no longer has questions, but it no longer needs those answers. Especially from this earth. It is a day I really never thought I would see. A friend gave me this poem a few months ago and I didn't think I could ever do it. It just takes growth within ourselves, strength from above, endurance and a little patience. We all have the power! God gives it to us through the Holy Spirit! We all have the power to let it go! and trust in Him!

By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk
away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into
staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to
see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.

Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
The bible said that, they came out from us
that it might be made manifest that they were not for
us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have
continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just
means that their part in the story is over. And you've got
to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep
trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you
something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift,
I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm
faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong
to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and

see your worth.....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ........

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents ...

LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take

you to a new level in Him......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken

relationship.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try

to help themselves......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed .......

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so
used to handling yourself
and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,'
then you need to.....

LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
GOD is doing new things!!!

LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left

.. think about it, and then ....

LET IT GO!!!

'The Battle is the Lord's!'

Down in my heart, Hey!

I've got it!! You know the song......

joy |joi|
noun
a feeling of great pleasure and happiness; delight, great pleasure, joyfulness, jubilation, triumph, exultation, rejoicing, happiness, gladness, glee, exhilaration, exuberance, elation, euphoria, bliss, ecstasy, rapture; enjoyment, felicity, joie de vivre... (I like to define things!)

Down in my heart!

For the past two days I've had this most amazing joy and peace in my heart. And the most amazing part about it is I know it's from the Lord. I know this because (1)absolutely nothing great has happened the last two days (in fact, I was alone all weekend and I had to get two shots yesterday) and (2)joy and peace like this can only come from a greater power than myself. I'm so excited! Just when I think God is leading me slowly.....one.....single....step....at a time, He allows me to feel this kind of JOY and I feel like He's give me a giant leap forward!!

It's really fun! Praise the Lord!

"Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, never, never, never give up!"

I watched a few movies this weekend. One of them was Martian Child. First of all I really liked it! I got the title from this movie! In it a little boy is adopted by a man who is a widower. The little boy is quite unusual in that he really thinks he is from mars (don't we all sometimes!). Of course the man falls in love with the boy, but the social workers don't think he is making any progress because even after being with his new dad for a while he still thinks he is from mars. So they think they might have to take him away, but the dad tells him that they will "never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, never, never, never, never give up." I'm not sure how many nevers or evers there were but a lot! I've just been thinking about it since. In the longest races, or lowest depressions we have to keep telling ourselves "never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, never, never, never, never give up" and if we can't tell ourselves that all we have to do is listen for God to ever so faintly whisper "never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, never, never, never, never give up" into our ear. We may not even realize He's doing it until later. I didn't. But He is telling us and He DEFIANTLY "never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, never, never, never, never gives up" on us!

And go rent the movie its great!

stupid, blind heart

So I thought it might be a good idea to go out to dinner with a certain someone (the ex). What an idiot! (me that is) I mean what was I thinking trying to have dinner with someone who I'm obviously still in love with and try to act like were friends.

The dinner actually went fine. We just talked and caught up on what is going on in our lives. I had fun. He had fun. While we were together, anyways. I guess that why is was hard. Life goes on when you expect things not to. Its hard to see that someone you love so much is totally fine with you not being a part of their life. Ouch! I mean I guess he is. We kept away from relationship talk. Not a single word about us (or the previous "us").

Is it possible to be friends with someone you are still in love with or is it just not worth the continued pain? Usually everyone would say no! Move on and let it go. But what about when that person's brother is a really good friend and his whole family mean so much to you. Do you have to let them all go? I mean it might be possible to keep in touch with just brother, except for the fact that they are identical twins, live together, and and and..... I mean they are family!

I guess it was good though. Not a step back, not a step forward, maybe just a spin around. A reevaluation? Maybe not.

My heart just keeps hanging on and doing silly things like thinking dinner together is a good idea.
Love really is blind.

Martinis and evil spirits

02-23-08

This weekend I had one of the most amazing experiences. I went to dinner with some of my best friends. We had a girl’s night full of catching up and laughs. It was so much fun and it felt so good and uplifting to be around them. We had a martini or two and talked the night away. When we started to leave on of the girls sisters called and was scared. She said she felt like there was something in the house where she was babysitting. This sister has some of the most amazing spiritual gifts. Which I never knew about until now. We all went over to the house so that we could pray with her and over the house.

Now, I have only done this one other time in my life. The same friend came to visit me one weekend and we talked about not being able to sleep and hearing music from the radio that wasn’t on. She prayed over my house and with me and my roommate.

We got to the house and the sister told us when she was putting one of the children down she felt an evil spirit in the room and heard a voice. Four of us began to pray over the house and for the evil spirit to leave and my friend and her sister went to pray in the child’s room. I have never experienced that kind of prayer. The other threes girls were speaking out to God and trembling. I kept thinking I was going to fall. I just kept saying the same things over and over. “ give me strength”, “evil has no power, we are God’s children.” Then something came over me and I started crying and fell to my knees. All I could say was “get out”, “get out” “get out!” this was almost at the end of our prayer and I knew that the spirits were out of the house but I felt like there was something in me. Maybe its been in my heart for a while. My friends knelt right on top of me and one of them broke out and started praying specifically praying for me. Later she said she just felt compelled to pray for me. I had said nothing about feeling like there was something in me. I guess she felt it.

We were all amazed when it was over and went outside to pray for the sister who had to spend the night. While we were praying I heard some mumbles that I totally could not understand. Like another language all together. I realized that the sister was speaking in tongues. All of this we had just discussed at dinner, demons and spiritual gifts of speaking in tongues. It was like nothing I’ve ever heard before and I was so blessed to have heard it. I caught myself trying to understand and stopped myself. I knew that was between her and God and maybe He just wanted me to catch a glimpse of it, but it was not meant for me to understand. We left and I think all of us were in amazement. It really made me think about the power of God. Even in His name. What an experience.

heartbroken

I broke down one day.

It was a different kind of brokenness than I’ve been feeling over the past 9 months. I’m reading this book The Case for Faith by Lee Strobel. In the beginning of the book he interviews this guy who use to preach with Bill Graham but has now turned agnostic. He began to ask him about Jesus and the man broke down into tears, barely able to speak, saying how important Jesus was in his life and how he missed him so dearly. This from a man who is agnostic? But he realized that something deep and meaningful was missing!

It was that kind of heartbroken!

For the first time I realized that it wasn’t only my broken heart from a man but a broken heart for Jesus that ached so badly everyday.

Broken heart FROM man.

Broken heart FOR Jesus.

I had lost two of the most important men in my life.
One by his choice, one by mine.

I may never have one of them in my life again, but I defiantly won’t have LIFE again without the other!


"Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,

Take my ransomed soul away;
"
~Come, Thou Fount

catch up day

I had an amazing interview at the Medical College today. I interviewed for the Occupational Therapy program. Its been a long, but amazing day. We'll see what God want to do with it.

I needed to catch up on some posting. That's why there are so many today. I usually write a little throughout the days and then post. I'll try to get better at the day to day thing. Or at least when things actually happen.

I'm training for a half marathon.

It's actually funny because I've never desired to run for hours at a time. For some reason I felt a push to do it. Who knows? But it does seem to help balance things out. Maybe God wants to do something with that? Maybe he'll start talking to me while I'm running, or maybe i'll start listening!

spiritual vertigo

ver·ti·go
1. a condition in which somebody feels a sensation of whirling or tilting that causes a loss of balance, disoriented, frightened, angry (i added the last two!)

So just as I was about to write of a great day my vertigo kicks in and I have the “loss of balance” feeling. It seems that some of my best days are followed by a really bad one. I had an amazing Saturday in which God really seemed like he was calming my heart and helping me find him and peace. Sunday rolls around and I’m back to the waterworks again. No certain event happened. No person said anything. Another weekend I spent hanging out with some great friends I haven’t seen in a while and almost the entire ride home was filled with tears. Two hours. Why the up and down? Why the spells of spiritual vertigo? I read the term in a book I’m reading and it seemed to fit. Whirling is right! Loss of balance! Loss of all the steps I’ve taken so far. So many great steps forward and in a moment I feel right back in the moment it all happened. Sitting on the bed, hardly breathing, crying. Why do two steps forward come with one step back? We go through ups and downs throughout our entire life. What's the deal with going through ups and downs when your already pretty far down? I mean how is it possible to lose your balance lying on the floor?

I guess that means I'm not on the floor anymore? Maybe I'm beginning to stand back up and that's why I'm getting so dizzy. I've let myself be down there so long I forgot what it felt like to stand up.

days go by…

“days go by, I can feel them flying like a hand out the window in the wind..” –keith urban

I can’t believe how quickly this year has flown by. I feel, as I’ve said before, like the world just took off without me. I’ve been stuck. Not moving for the past year. I’ve watched people move on with their lives, people begin new lives. It’s been a movie for me. Some parts easier to see than others.

I think I’m starting to move again. Life is beginning to not feel like a movie I’m watching. But ever so slowly.

glimpse of a bad day…

rolled out of bed one day. literally. the only thing i felt was the cold floor. my body was numb, my heart was so numb. i literally could not feel my heart beating inside my own body. i tried to pinch myself to see if i was still asleep. i didn’t feel the pinch, but i felt the cold floor on my face. yes. my face. too bad it wasn’t numb. it was one of those days God didn’t seem to exist for me. i made it to the shower only to sit down and let the water run over me. my tears were probably more water than the shower. the only words i could managed to squeak out were, “God, please, God.” still i didn’t feel him there.

missed class.

Beginning of a Journey...

Something happened to me about 8 months ago. This event prompted a new life journey for me. What a story it would have been if I had started writing this the day It began. I'll fill you in a little minus specific details and we'll go from there.

Well, even before this event happened my faith was like walking a tight rope. I couldn't quite get a hold of it and stay where I wanted to be. When this event happened to me I felt like I fell right off the rope. Who knows how far down it would be? I began to question everything I knew to be true. I thought I had put my trust in God, but my trust wasn't in anything anymore. It was at this time in my life when I felt like the world was moving without me.

And it really was. I sort of stopped living.

Each day I get one more day behind. I am stopped, stuck. I question everything, everyone, even God. I get angry with everything, everyone, even God. I even yell at him! I pull away from everything, everyone, even God. I defiantly don't want to talk to anyone, even God. So I just yell at Him. In fact that's who I pull away from the most. The one who my faith held so tightly to for most of my life! He is in charge of it all right? I fight to figure out what in the world is going on. What is faith? Who is God? What's His plan, His love, His purpose for me, life in general, what the crap I'm doing here? It is not comfortable or easy. In fact it is miserable and I dread waking up and living each day sometimes. In these moments I am able to be completely honest with myself and God. I'm at the lowest low and so transparent. You can't help but be transparent when you're that low. There's no where to hide from yourself. At least when it comes to myself and God. (others are easy to hide from, even the closest of friends) I fight against Him, shout at Him, try to reason, I'm close minded, angry and sad, even depressed. I rebel in my hearts as hard as I can, though others may not even notice a difference in me. I fight and struggle so hard until I'm exhausted, but still I pull away. I try to pray and talk to God, but I feel like He stopped listening awhile ago. I know he didn't but I can't hear Him if He is talking back to me. And that frustrates me even more! I mean He's the one who knows the plan and future of my life, right? He created it, right?

This is my constant struggle. And bless the friends who love me, pray for me, and give me advice. But I know that freedom is not going to come from the words of others, but from realizing it on my own, from God. And even during the worst days I hold on to this...

...that in one moment God will knock me off my feet and I'll see Him in His mighty strength and will never the same. God may pull His presence away so I can realize for myself just how much I need and depend on Him. I can get mad and angry and question Him because He knows it is going to show me the power of His patience and grace. It will bring the freedom that I don't have to pretend to have it all figured out.

That's why I started writing this. A dear friend shared a similar experience with me and it gave me comfort. I know when that amazing moment comes as it did with her, God will be glorified in His amazing power and majesty and I want to be able to share that. And remind myself of where I came from.

Until then....
I am just fighting so hard to even know Him....and me.

And I think that's okay for now.

Why masquerade?

You know sometimes when you get that awkward question to describe yourself or your life in one word? It always changes as we grow and learn and change ourselves. Well if you asked me today and at this time in my life this would be my answer...masquerade.

"Masquerade!
Paper faces on parade . . .
Masquerade!
Hide your face,
so the world will
never find you!
Masquerade!"